The Perfect Season
It was 6:00 A.M. when my dad shook me awake. “Our ride’s are gonna be here soon, get ready,” he said, already dressed himself. I rolled about of bed in a half dazed state of mind, not even realizing how important this morning was. I quickly rinsed off in the shower and threw on the clothes I had l laid out the night before, ready to embark on one of the most epic adventures I will be a part of till this day. I went down stairs where all of our bags were packed and ready for departure. My mom then gave my dad, brother, and I big hugs, then off we went to a place I had never been before.
Our destination was Tucson, Arizona where we were to compete in a series of playoffs for a chance to be the national champions of the American Youth Football league for our weight class. Our weight class being the biggest one with no weight restrictions; so you can imagine there was some pretty big kids.
I remember walking into that hotel for the first time; it was one of the coolest buildings I had ever been in. There were cactuses all around the lobby and a huge gift shop in the back. It was all dessert/western themed too. Right as we pressed the elevator button out come a whole mass of football guys laughing and pushing each other around, I knew right away that this was going to be a great time. Unfortunately the one thing that was really digging at me was the fact that the airport lost our luggage, including all of my pads. But that is a whole other story to be told. Needless to say we got it back the next day or so.
To me this adventure was more than just another sport story; yeah I have a lot of them. It brought a bunch of 8th graders into an unknown world. We had no idea of the outcome. Even though our team went undefeated, we thought it was more of a joke that we were actually going to compete against teams from around the country. Who would have ever thought that a primarily white school from Connecticut would have made it this far, not me that’s for sure.
Not to sound corny, but I never would have thought hard work and determination could have gotten me so far. But that was a loooong season. We pretty much played all the way up till Christmas. All the way from scorching August conditioning, to crisp autumn, to frigid, bone numbing winter. In the end of it all it was worthwhile. Out of all the sports and the years I’ve played them I have never seen a stronger bond between players and coaches. This was to say that the team was combined of the two middle schools in our town. An Article called “Importance of Youth Involvement In Sports” explains this, “Life skill gains through social interaction can be tremendous. Social interaction in team sports teaches youth to: 1) Associate with their peers; 2) Solve conflict; and 3) Communicate effectively with their peers.” At the beginning of the year the Scott’s Ridge kids didn’t care too much for the East Ridge kids and vice versa. We always bickered at each other about who had the better athletes, the hotter girls, and the nicer school. By the end of the season it was like there was no boundary between us anymore.
Adults tend to underestimate the importance of having their children participate in team sports. According the article from Livestrong.com called “The Benefits Of Youth Sports”, “Children reap many benefits from playing sports, including self-discipline, self-confidence, a healthier body, and stronger relationships with peers and adults” (Breeze par. 1). “As young athletes develop their bodies, their minds develop simultaneously” (Breeze par. 1). I absolutely consent with both of these statements, not only was I the best shape of my life, I never felt like I had more of a purpose till then. And I know you don’t have to make it to the National Playoffs to feel the same. There is nothing like a team working towards one goal together not matter what the sport is. The combination between the physical pain and mental toughness is something that cannot be matched in other extracurricular activates. Pushing each other through difficult times both mentally and physically is something that most youth can only experience in team sports. Obviously not everyone is going to go out and win a national championship. But don’t think it’s impossible, anything is possible. Talent is not just good enough, everyone has to work together to achieve the big prize.
We were the only team out practicing during that hot, dry Arizona week. Man we wanted to kill our coach for making us practice. While the other teams were swimming in their hotel pools, we were going over plays on a scraggily, dusty elementary school field… if you really want to call it a field. Our coach would always point out that he knew we were the only team practicing, and he didn’t give a shit about the other teams. He would say that every minute we were out there busting our asses we were getting that much better than everyone out there. Well I guess he was right in that logic. We had to be sharp for that first game. Our coach wanted nothing more than to win, I could see the determination when he spoke to us. He was not going to give up easy, especially not with the talent he had that year.
After a couple days of fooling around in that giant hotel and constant team meetings the day of the first playoff finally arrived. “Wow”, I thought, “this is really it”. The team we would be facing was from Bakersville, California. Let me repeat that, California! That is a long ways away from little Connecticut. “These kids are going to destroy us”, I thought. Well by the chance of a flip of a coin we decidedly chose to receive the ball first. “Bang”, I see that ball fly in the air, everyone’s eyes fixated on it, like a meteor falling to Earth. “Wham” right in our returner’s hand, then next thing you know he’s flying up the sideline and into the end zone. Everyone’s jaw dropped… did we just score on the opening kickoff?... yes we did! That game happened so quick I didn’t even think it was real, I thought I was day dreaming. The ending score of that game was 49-7. For those of you not familiar with the football scoring system 49 points is a damn high score. That night the whole team and whoever was accompanying them went out to celebrate at a real fancy restaurant.
A couple days later the second game came around. This time it was long Beach, California. This one flew by even quicker than the first game. I actually thought Bakersville was more of a challenge than this team, maybe we it had just been our confidence level spiking upward. Before I knew I was on the sideline watching the second and third string players get their time, having a blast as usual. It seemed like throughout the season I barely even got to play half the game we beat the other teams so bad. The final score was 45-0, which in sport terms is a blowout! After this game we all really held our heads up high and a confidence went through me like nothing I had ever felt before.
The bonding had only just begun late night trips to IHOP for milkshakes and Shlotsky’s Deli for lunch only made the week more fun. Playing 500 and kill the carrier in the pool helped out too. But before I knew it that final game came, the championship game. Walking into that Arizona University Stadium was like something straight out of a movie. It was the biggest stadium I had ever been in. I couldn’t believe how much seating there was. It was truly a mind-boggling experience. I remember practicing on the field next to the stadium for what seemed like hours. I must have peed 4 times I was so nervous. Low and behold we walked into the stadium to start, said a quick prayer together, and then off we were.
The coin was tossed and we were forced to defend first. I never liked being on defense first. I prefer the offense starting off and scoring on the first drive. So this way I have less pressure on me to stop the opposing team from gaining ground. Being a starter is never easy, especially when you are going against offensive linemen who look like grown men. And the fact that this was the National Championship game didn't help either. My heart was beating out of my chest; I couldn't even see the line of scrimmage in front of me. All I hear is "down, set"... the offensive tackles dark eyes were glaring at me, I could sense it, “I'm gonna screw everything up or get hurt”, I kept thinking to myself.."HIT!” The lineman's hands shoot at me me like two pistols ready to blow my brains out. Then my instincts kicked in, everything I had practiced for so long fired out of me like hot lava, and I drove that lineman's big ass so far I actually took myself out of the play. Luckily there were a group of linebackers behind me to clean up the tackle behind me. Then I jumped on the pile and suddenly the butterflies went away. When I stood up I felt like a different person, adrenaline had kicked in like never before and I was ready to tear this team apart.
This was really the only game I felt like we might lose after the first three minutes. We made jokes that because we killed teams so early on that the bad kids got to play more than the good ones. This was until now. I remember vividly that timer moving second after second. I wanted to puke, throw my helmet off and cry I was so nervous. But I knew how important this game was, how much the coaches and players depended on me. They were my new best friends, pretty much all members of my family. We had a respect for our coaches and teammates unlike any other. In the end we won 22-14, our closest game ever. This was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. As said in the article “The Mental Health Of Youth Sports On Kids” written by Alexandra Momyer, “Participating in sports can be a valuable and cherished experience. Youth sports can provide long-lasting friendships and mental benefits that carry over to adulthood. Your child will have self-satisfaction from feeling needed, and it will build self-esteem, confidence and self-discipline” (Momyer par.3). I completely agree with this statement. The memories of this experience as well as many other sport experiences will always be values and cherished in my life. I know I will always remember the guys on that team in the best light.
Is there really anything better than winning a National Championship?, especially when you gave up so much of your free time and energy. The way I see it the harder you work the more valuable and special that final product is. This is why I feel more kids should join sport teams. These experiences are ones that I believe no child should be left without.
Alexandra Momyer. “The Mental Effects Of Youth Sports On Kids”. 12/18/10. Lance Armstrong Foundation. http://www.livestrong.com/article/337356-the-mental-effects-of-youth-sports-on-kids. 4/20/11.
Eileen Breeze. “The Benefits Of Youth Sports”. 3/23/10. Lance Armstrong Foundation. http://www.livestrong.com/article/83842-benefits-youth-sports. 4/20/11.
Payne, Caroline. Fogarty, Kate. “Importance Of Youth Involvement In Sports”. 2009. Unviersity of Florida IFAS Extension. http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/fy1001. 4/21/11.
Dan,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your rough draft narrative, “The Perfect Season”. I thought you did a great job at telling a story, which was very important. I think you put a lot of feeling and emotion, and did a great job in translating to your reader all the emotion that went on inside you during that very important week of your life.
Good things:
I like and agree with your point of view on how sports can play a very important role in their overall development.
I thought you did a great job with your opening paragraph, it was very well written. I liked how you didn’t tell the reader what you were waking up to go to. It made it more suspenseful and I wanted to read more and know about it.
I liked the listing of the benefits youth sports teams have for children.
I liked your 8th paragraph, when you tell about your game. It gives the paper personality and reminded me of really excited little kid telling a story that means a lot to them. The quote in your second to last paragraph was a good supporting quote.
Things to work on:
While I think you did a great job in telling a story, I think you should spend more time in explaining why youth sports teams are so important to children’s lives. You can get more data together to farther explain and support your opinion and it will make your argument more credible.
At times, your paper seemed to be run-on just be careful of that.
2nd sentence “he said, already dressed himself” that needs to be rephrased.
3rd paragraph should be “desert” not “dessert”
If you start a sentence with a preposition, then make sure you put a comma after the prepositional phrase.
I think you’re off to a great start and good luck with your revision!
-Becca Moran
Dan,
ReplyDeleteGood first draft. You have a lot of things here that will make it easy to construct revisions. I like the story too. You definitely tried to use sensory details, which i think added to the drama.
Ideas for the final draft:
-Make your argument more clear. You've done well at telling the story, now try to push your argument more in places you think would fit best in the paper.
-Be sure to choose either present or past tense for your story. There is a funky mix of past and present and it's kind of confusing.
Good luck with your next draft!
-Mark Melchior
Dan,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed hearing the excitement in your voice in this first draft. I was well executed and I could feel the suspense. It was very entertaining overall. I think the message was convincing based on your use of story. This was clearly a great topic to write about because it has had such a lasting impact on your life.
While, you've focused mostly on your own personal story, I would like to hear more of similar tales. I think that would contribute to the universal feel of the essay and a connection with the reader.
I loved your sense of tone and voice in the essay, but at times it was too colloquial for an academic paper. To build your credibility I would advise refraining from calling someone a "big ass," even though I did enjoy reading it. Also I would suggest putting your coach's lecture in quotes to make it more effective (because you did not say them).
The description of the baggage claim situation is unnecessary and distracts the reader from your argument. There are also some awkward phrases in the essay (I have the same problem too).
I enjoyed the detail in your essay and I thought your sources were really effective.
Overall great start and good luck!
Molly Schneider
Dan,
ReplyDeleteAwesome job! Your voice is strong throughout this whole paper and I can really get a sense of how important this experience really was to you. You write with a voice of pride and it carries very well.
While I thought that the story was great, I think it is a bit too prolonged. As a few people said above, make sure to not have too many unnecessary details that distract from the main point of the story.
One suggestion to strengthen your argument about the benefits of team sports for youth would be to include other stories and sources about examples of how sports have benefitted kids. You have some good evidence and support already but I think if you incorporated some other brief stories as well it would really benefit your paper.
As Molly said above, be careful of your language becoming too informal for an academic paper. It suits your voice well but you can easily give the same descriptions and maintain your tone without using too much profanity. For example, rather than saying "big ass" you could simply say "huge" or "humungous" or "ginormous"....something along those lines.
Just an added note, try reading your paper out loud to yourself to locate grammar issues and awkward/wordy sentences.
Overall this is a really great first draft! Good luck with your revisions!
-Meredith
Dear Dan,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your first draft. You told a really good story. I'm not interested in sports at all, but your vivid descriptions really had me glued to the page.
One thing that I think you can work on is the thesis of your argument. Throughout much of the essay, I had no idea that this was a narrative ARGUMENT. You should start your paper off with more of an introduction, rather than going right into the story, in my opinion.
I also think that it would enhance the quality of your story if you wrote it less like you were speaking it, and more like a written tale. Some of the language you use is very colloquial, and I think you can work on that. Some of your sentences, like the one about you peeing four times are also unnecessary, or can be changed to fit more appropriately.
Overall, good job on your draft, and good luck on your revision!
-Greg
Dan,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your first draft of your narrative argument. I think you have a lot going for your paper. The narrative is gripping and exciting; I wanted to find out what would happen at the end. I liked where you started the introduction, but I feel that you could incorporate even more suspense if you tried something involving more of the trip there or the hotel, not you waking up and leaving.
I think you should elaborate more in your second paragraph with the introduction of the American youth football league. I was a little confused with who was participating in the playoff, so maybe just explain a little more.
In the fifth paragraph, your introduction of a source was very abrupt and did not flow well at all. Try to lead in somehow that relates to the current train of thought in the paper. Also, don’t forget to cite all quotes.
I really like the topic of this paper; it shows the heart and dedication you had in time of need. Your point that more children participate in sports at young ages is closely related to your story, but it only mentioned in paragraphs six and thirteen. Try to bring it up earlier in the paper if possible. Your sources really helped further this point, but they did seem to overlap. I understand it must be hard to find sources that do not overlap in this subject area, but maybe try to think about the opposite; what is the effect on children who do not compete in sports?
Overall, you have a great first draft; you have a moving story with a good final point. I would try to revise some of the wording as some of it was confusing and work on the sources and you will be on your way to an even better paper. Good luck!
--Ethan Freedman
Dan,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your narrative argument. It is clear that your memory of this event is vivid and you had a great experience. Your description of the events captured my attention and made me feel like I was there with you. Your story is so unique and is perfect for a narrative like this.
The only criticism that I have is the fact that you don't state the reason for the narrative until the las few sentences. A large majority of the essay is your story and you really only state the reason until the conclusion. I think you could make this better if you incorporate your message throughout the entire essay.
Good luck on your revisions!
Greg Bloom
Dan, great job on your first draft!
ReplyDeleteYour narrative is really interesting and supports your claim very well. I can see how sports have been such a huge part of your life and it proves how important it is that kids participate in sports. You have really powerful and well written phrases, like "All the way from scorching August conditioning, to crisp autumn, to frigid, bone numbing winter." You have great diction there!
Although you have really strong parts there are a few sections where you should change your word choice to make it more formal, helping your credibility as a story teller.
I clearly see the connection between the story and your claim but I think you should try and make a point to reiterate your argument at the end of each paragraph or event so that we don't get lost in the story and forget the main reason you are writing this essay.
Overall, excellent job your story is really interesting. Good luck on your revision
~Molly
Dan,
ReplyDeleteAwesome first draft! Your claim was solid and you did fantastic job getting the author to feel the excitement and joy that you felt playing Football.
I think that you should work harder at making your claim more obvious throughout the essay. Till the few paragraphs in which you blatantly stated the purpose of the essay, it wasn't quite clear if there was a lesson with in it. It was a brilliantly told story with enough precise detail to make the reader feel as if they had been there with you, and your essay emanates a feeling of pride.
There are a few places in which you should work on which tense you want to write in, but most of the problems like that I think can be solved by simply going back and reading the essay to yourself.
Great job on the first draft! Keep it up!
Dan,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I think you did a really good job with your intro. It grabbed my attention and I wanted to find out more. It was interesting to read too.
I think that you could state your claim more clearly. I got to the first bit of research and I was a little lost because I didn't know what the claim was, but I did figure it out fairly easily. Also, I think you could really add to your credibility by telling how long you played sports for.
I think you found good research, but I think you used quotes for all of them. Maybe do some paraphrasing. And, all the quotes kind of said the same thing, so it might be beneficial to find some other research.
Lastly, I think your conclusion does a good job of summing up your story, but not your arguement. So maybe just add a little more of your argument into that and you will have a great paper.
Good job so far,
Lindsay
Dan,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your first draft. I liked the personal narrative story and how it tied into your claim. I think describing the hotel more than waking up in the morning would add more of an effect on the paper. Also, I think it would be even stronger if you described the playoff situation and the weight classes and how that all works. I liked that the paper had a nice voice to it because I could really tell that this story meant a lot to you as you were writing it. The sources were sufficient enough to support your paper, but how about sources that show sides to children who did not play athletics when they were younger?
Overall, nice job and good luck with your revision bud.
Jake Eckhaus
Dan,
ReplyDeleteI can really tell you are very passionate about the topic you chose for your paper. This is a good sign that you chose the right topic to write about, so excellent job in that regard. At several points in the paper, you do a good job of capturing the scene with good descriptions by using the senses.
There are a few things I'd work on for your revision. Firstly, the essay is written a little too conversationally. While this is a personal narrative essay, it's still an academic paper and should be written as such. Avoid swears and elongating words with extra letters ("loooooong") because it comes off a little immature and un-academic. Also, your small anecdote about you losing your luggage near the beginning is unnecessary, and I feel as though the essay would be better with it omitted.
Work on these things, and I feel your essay will be stronger for your revision. Good luck!
-Ethan Wennberg
Dan,
ReplyDeleteI really like your first paragraph. It vividly sets he scene immediately without prolonging the introduction. I also liked the informal tone of your paper. It helps convey your message in a clear way without using too much rhetoric. You did a really good job with imagery. I could see and hear what you were experiencing in your season.
A few notes:
Between paragraphs 5 and 6, I think you could use a stronger transition. You went from talking about the mesh between two different sides of athletes to how adults perceive sports. I wasn’t ready for this jump because I didn’t know it was coming. Also in the same paragraph try to incorporate your Livestrong.com source in a different way. The “.com” kind of takes away from the flow of words.
In paragraph 7, I enjoyed hearing your coach’s voice come through your paper. The foul language actually helps ascent the intensity and the stakes riding on your game. You could be more effective by actually using quotations around what your coach had said. It would help distinctly draw a line between your thoughts and your coaches.
Great first draft! Good luck with revisions!
-Christina
Hey dan,
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job on the first draft, very personal and clearly shows how you have treasured those memories. I realyl enjoyed your use of intricate details, and the several emotionally doused moments of wanting to puke, throw your helmet off and cry and nervousnes...
While at a certain point i was a little worried as to whether this is just about your own experience, your useof sources made me realize the importance of your claim for others as well. So kudos on that!
The only advice i have is about your last sentence where you mention that "no child should be left without", perhaps you may want to ease down on that, for every child does not and some do not have the physical capacity to par take in such experiences....so maybe, emphasize how they should at least have the "choice" to do so instead.
Good luck with the rest of it
Dan,
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I really enjoyed reading this. I was even laughing out loud at some points. I really like how you used details from the action scenes to bring the story to life. You could even incorporate some more into it. I'd watch out for grammar and spelling while you're at it. It's a first draft though, so no sweat.
I grew up on sports teams (in CT haha), so I totally agree with your claim. What you could do is try to make it more apparent throughout your paper. I think you did a great job so far, but pushing it even further could be very beneficial.
Well done! Good luck with revising.
Elizabeth Rubel
Hey Dan,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your narrative a lot, it was very engaging and gave a real glimpse into the sports world. There were a lot of details that really made the world come alive.
I think you could write more about why sports are important maybe during your story, that aspect doesnt come through all that much.
overall, good job, and good luck with revisions
-Dan
ReplyDeleteGreat first draft, I felt your excitement while reading it. Although most would not like to regard football as an emotional sport, I really enjoyed that you brought that aspect to not only yourself but your team as well through the detail. With that being said, the details in your story are what really made it strong but their were some points where I was not sure where you were headed with your claim. Just keep that in mind so it flows more smoothly. Overall, your story grabbed my attention and held it to the end, except for the over use of "o"s in your wording of looong, it breaks the even pace you created.
...nice job, and good luck.
-Chloe
Dan,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your narrative argument. You did a great job in creating a story for your readers. I thought your scene in the first paragraph really drew me in and made me want to know more.
You also had good details throughout your paper. It really painted a picture that made it more enjoyable to read.
Here are a few things to work on:
Throughout your paper you had quite a few spelling and grammatical issues, but it is only a first draft so that is easy to fix. It just makes it difficult to read sometimes because it makes your paper's flow interrupted. So, go back through your paper and just try to fix that. For example, just in the second sentence it states, "ride’s are gonna be here soon," it should be rides.
Also, you should probably tone down your use of informal words. Even though you are telling your story, it is still an argument and you want to have credibility as a writing. For example, in the 5th paragraph where you say, "loooong," you should probably just say very long. Throughout your paper you should try to fix this.
You should also try to incorporate your sources more. You use quotes throughout and it would be better to paraphrase.
Good job and good luck!
-Joni Fromer
Dan,
ReplyDeleteThe personal voice in your story I thought was incredible. It was clear that as you were writing it you were vividly re-living your experience out in Arizona and you did great job translating that onto paper.
One thing to add might be more examples of how youth sports is beneficial to a young child. I wouldn't say your paper needs it but every little bit helps so it's something to consider.
All in all great job man and good luck with your revisions.
-Brendan